EVERYONE is over Britney.

In my 22 years on this planet (wink, wink, am I right ladies?), I have heard my mom drop the f bomb less than ten times. Three of those times happened today whilst we were on the phone talking about crazy people in Hollyweird (read: basically everyone). I was talking about a famous actress I met yesterday who shall remain nameless but who was a total nutter butter:

My Mom: Well,she sounds crazy. Like Britney Spears.
Me: Oh...Britney's in the hospital again. Did you hear?
My Mom: I could give a fat fuck about Britney Spears.
Me: Did you just say fat fuck?
My Mom: Yes. I said I could give a fat fuck about Britney Spears.
Me: Wow.
My Mom: I mean it. I turned on the news today at noon while I was making my lunch and the top story was Britney Spears. I live in Iowa, I want to know if there is going to be a blizzard or what's going on with the war, not about fucking Britney Spears.
Me: You keep saying fuck!
My Mom: I know I do! I'm serious about this.(Beat.) Do you still have a cold?

Sexual Harrassment in the Workplace

I have been a busy bee gearing up for this. I am going on the whole tour and will even be in the show as Ninja Number 3. I am basically pissed that I am not Ninja Number 2 but whatever. The whole thing will no doubt be insane as evidenced by our rehearsal last weekend when this was suggested: "What if one of the ninjas in the opening fight scene gives birth to a baby onstage?" (PS. Ninja Number 2 gets to do that, of fucking course.)

Anywho, being busy has not stopped me from sexually harassing Bryan at work. Bryan once noted that if he wrote down even half of the things that I said to him during the workday he could, "Sue, make a mint and retire." Case in point today:

Bryan: I wish it were Two Taco Tuesday.
Me: It is Tuesday. Which means it is Two Taco Tuesday.
Bryan: Where?
Me (point at my vagina): Chomp, chomp.
Bryan (exasperated): Really?