Come and knock on our door.

PLUS



EQUALS

THIS.

College.

Here is an actual conversation I had the other day.

Girl I Do Not Recognize: You went to Tufts, right?
Me: Yeah.
Girl I Do Not Recognize: I thought so. We lived together.
Me: Really?
Girl I STILL Do Not Recognize: Yeah. For a whole summer.
Me: Huh.

Grocery shopping

Nothing says, "I am going to die alone" like using a coupon for $2 off when you buy 10 or more Lean Cuisine Entrees.

Doris

I recently moved in to a new apartment and am still figuring out the neighborhood: what grocery store to shop in, dry cleaner to use, car repair garage to take my car to next time I get into an accident, etc. I thought I had killed two birds with one stone when I found a grocery store with a Starbucks inside of it... something I think is unique to LA and one of the few perks of living in a culturally dead city. However, thanks to Doris I am now on the hunt for a new Starbucks near me.

When I went in to the Starbucks yesterday Doris was speaking to a manager because she had rung up $70 for one coffee. The manager was explaining to her that Doris had not, "Just pushed a button and suddenly the total was $70," which is what Doris was insisting had happened. Actually she had rung up the wrong $3 coffee over 20 times. That means Doris made the same mistake over 20 times before deciding she did not know what she was doing and calling for a manager. Even after the problem was fixed Doris kept talking about how "crazy" and "insane" the situation was to the manager instead of taking my order. Finally I interrupted and asked if I could order to which Doris said, "Oh sure. What'll it be, honey?" And thus problem two was born.

It's not that I mind being called honey now and again. In fact it makes me feel young so I say bring it on. But Doris did it repeatedly. In every sentence she slid in a "honey." And it quickly went from endearing to annoying to condescending. I got the sense that Doris was saying honey but really meant "bitch." And I did not like it. I did not like it a'tall.

So, I ordered the only thing I get a Starbucks since I don't drink coffee, an iced chai with skim milk. To which Doris responded, "Oh, we don't have skim milk, honey [bitch]." I asked what kind of milk they did have and Doris said, "Well, honey [bitch], we have soy, whole and non-fat milk." Problem number three.

I get that people in LA do things differently. It's the west coast, dude. I understand. We're all just chillin' out and makin' it happen. Good times. But skim milk and non-fat milk are the same god damn thing. Telling someone that you don't have skim milk when you have non-fat milk is a little bit like getting drunk with a friend from England then telling them you don't have a loo while you stand in front of the bathroom door and watch them pee their pants.

So, fine, I ordered the drink with non-fat milk and Doris began to ring it up. For some reason I decided to test my limits and throw a piece of Starbucks chocolate in there. There was a basket of them sitting on the counter next to the gum and the cookies and - whatever - I figure why not live a little. I've earned it! So I handed a chocolate to Doris who looked at it and said, "Honey [bitch], those aren't for sale, they're just for display." Really? How did I not know that? How could I not see the decorative merits of a wire basket full of Starbucks chocolates? It really made the room. Truly. When I said, "No. They're for sale." Doris ignored me and rang up my iced chai. Then there was a pause and Doris looked at me and said, "Oops, honey [bitch]."

And then Doris rang it up again.

And again.

And so on and so fourth.

She got up to about $40 before she called the manager.

My brother is smarter than your brother.

Last night I was at a party where we played Celebrities. I always feel like the celebrities a person chooses in that game says a lot about the person. My three celebs were Alex P. Keaton, Carol Channing and Richard Feynman.

Alex P. Keaton? Well, I love TV and am usually attracted to guys who look like they are fifteen. And by usually I mean always. Carol Channing? Obvious. I love theatre, homos and lipstick. But Richard Feynman probably seems like an odd choice considering I get my news from US Weekly and I was playing with a bunch of comedians who didn't have a clue who Feynman was. In fact, when my friend Will drew that name and said, "Fuck whoever put this in there," I yelled "Richard Feynman." Turns out Will and I were the only two people in the room who knew who he was AND we were on the same team.

Anyway... Richard Feynman? Well, that one was because I was thinking about my brother. He is an astro physicist and he was in Seattle this weekend doing this. Impressive stuff, no? Almost as impressive as Will and my landslide Celebrities victory. I mean it was ridiculous how well we did in that game. We're geniuses.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Finish my novel!!!!!

2. Work out. (UGH!!!!!!)

3. Make a gay friend. I've always wanted one and they seem fun!