The Fish

I went to Vegas last week to meet up with a friend from New York. It was trashy fun, my favorite kind. But on the way there I got stuck in Burbank airport for four hours. First because it was raining in Vegas and I guess that is enough to shut down the airport there which I find offensive. Then we were delayed because our plane had a technical malfunction. We had to deboard and wait for another plane. It's an hour flight, I am sure they could have ignored the "maintenance required" light and risked it. I do it in my car all the time and I'm still here so what's the big stink.

Anyway, after we deboarded the airport was bedlam. I think a lot people thought they would never make it to Vegas. I think I would have been annoyed,too, except I spotted Laurence Fishburne in the terminal. Turns out he was also on my flight.

I don't know why but I could not stop scoping him out. Okay, I do know why. I feel, and this is the truth, that is my destiny to be loved by a black man. And wouldn't The Fish be a great catch? (Pun not intended! But still awesome.) So I kept giving The Fish glances because I knew if he noticed me he'd fall in love with me. How could he not? Duh. The man has eyes and he is not made of stone. And black guys think I'm the poo.

The Fish was talking to his assistant and a Southwest Airlines worker. They were standing in a small circle. I kept edging closer to them. Casually at first and then with reckless abandon. Eventually not only was I standing right next to The Fish, I was IN the circle. Part of the conversation.

The Fish asked when our plane would leave and the Southwest Airlines worker said she didn't know for sure, but not for at least two hours. Then The Fish's assistant took out his phone and told The Fish that he thought they should just hire a driver to take them to Vegas. And then this happened.

Me: Yeah.

That's it. I just said that. Out loud. To The Fish. Honestly, in more ways than one I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. The Fish, his assistant and the stupid Southwest Airlines worker just stared at me. Then they scooted away from me.

The Fish left shortly after that but not before turning around and smiling at me. I smiled back but here's the thing: I am 100% that if I had gone over and asked for a ride to Vegas The Fish would have said yes. And you-know-what would have gone down in the you-know-where. I'm just bad at sealing the deal, is all.

This Week's "Weekly Low"

Apologizing to a UPS customer service representative on the phone for raising my voice. Then calmly telling her that the reason I had been raising my voice was because I hated her.

Bakin'.

I was hanging out with my friend Bryan and his roommate Stephanie last night at their apartment. We ate Carl's Jr. and spent an obscene amount of time looking at pictures online of one of the American Idol contestants giving some guy a bj. 100% class.

We also had this conversation:

Stephanie: For the longest time I thought that saying was, "Bring home the bakin' and fry it up in a pan..."
Bryan: She did.
Me: Bakin'?
Stephanie: Like baked goods.
Me: But people don't fry baked goods in a pan.
Bryan: Chicken.
Me: Chicken is not a baked good.
Stephanie: People don't just bring home bacon. That is a really disgusting concept.
Me (singing): "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan. And never, never, never let you forget you're a man."
Stephanie: Oh my god! What are you singing?
Bryan: I know, right?
Me: The song.
Stephanie: What song?
Me: The bring home the bacon song.
Bryan: No.
Me: It's a song. I think by Aretha Franklin. Yeah, Aretha Franklin.
Bryan: Never heard of her.

Turns out we were all wrong.

This week's "Weekly Low"

Buying a hooded sweatshirt while wearing a hooded sweatshirt.

I love this.

Happy Valentine's Day

I have a boyfriend. And my boyfriend made me this "virtual" Valentine. The video stars my boyfriend. After my boyfriend showed me the video, my boyfriend made love to me like nobody's business.

The youngest child and the only child reach a comprimise on sharing.

Sunday brunch.
No one is paying attention to Keely so she starts screaming.
I look at her and scream back.
Keely: No, Amy. No. That is MY scream.
Me: It's my scream?
Keely: No. My scream.
Me: My scream?
Keely: No!!! MY scream!!!
Me: Oh! Ice cream?
Keely laughs.
Keely: That's funny, Amy. We can both have ice cream.

Go Hard or Go Home

The Coming writes up Three Companeros!

Make reservations, why don't you.

Today's Agenda!

1. Nap
2. Clean up the parmesan cheese all over my kitchen floor.*
3. A bath and a good cry.

* Time permitting.

This week's "Weekly Low"

I went to a party last night and drank a little too much wine.
This morning when I woke up there was parmesan cheese all over my kitchen floor.

Tagged

Sweet Chatty Purns and Liz both “tagged” me which means I have to write five things people don’t know about me. I’m super excited about the whole thing. Aren’t you? Anyway, here goes…

1. My first job out of college was working at Blockbuster Video.
I went to Tufts University in Boston where my parents paid $100,000 in tuition. A couple of days after graduation I was renting a movie at Blockbuster and filled out an application. After submitting to a drug test (wrong place to drug test, methinks) I was hired for, like, $7 an hour. I worked there for a whole summer. My shift manager was a 16 year-old kid – his Mom ran the store. He used to tell me I should wear more make up, would try to hook up with me in the break-room and would call me a bitch when I wouldn’t do it.

2. I hate this girl:



Her name is Emily Mae Young. In 1997 she was the Welch’s Grape Juice spokeskid and she made a series of commercials where she was drinking juice and giggling. I once told my roommate that her demeanor during those commercials was that of a little girl just asking to get raped by her uncle. This is probably the most horrible thing I have ever said. But, just looking at her picture right now, I stand by it.

3. I like the Enrique Iglesias song “Escape.”
What of it?

4. I was in the World’s Longest Conga Line.
When I was growing up my parents took our family on a series of lame vacations to different places in Iowa. One summer we went to Burlington Steamboat Days. One of the attractions was to be in the World’s Longest Conga Line for the Guinness Book of World Records. There were Guinness judges there to make it official and Gloria Estefan and The Miami Sound Machine was on a big stage playing “Conga.” It took quite awhile to get the line going and I think they had to play the song probably 20 times in a row. Life highlight for me, career lowlight for Gloria Estefan.

5. I still sleep with my childhood pillow.
The pillow, I guess, is like a security blanket I never outgrew. I once had a guy sleeping in my bed who thought it would be funny to try to take the pillow from me. I flipped out. This was fairly recently. I am at a loss as to why that relationship did not work out.

I am tagging: Bryan, Nadia and Hiller, who has already been tagged by Liz but who has yet to do the work. DO THE WORK.

That's what friends are for.

I was IM'ing with my friend Liz today and we were discussing Frye boots, stupid things boys say and feeling fat. We're girls!

I love Liz because she has a knack for always seeing the glass as half full. Case in point...

From Liz: BTW, don't feel bad about feeling fat.