Friday, September 26, 2008

Keely On...

(Keely's my niece. She is 4, and alarmingly smart.)

The next president of the United States: It will be Obama for awhile and he will do a good job. Then maybe Joe Biden and then I hope Hillary Clinton will have a chance because I want it to be her the most. Maybe Joe Biden will let Hillary go first.

Proposition 8: You have to say no because it means boys can't marry boys and girls can't marry girls and they should be able to get married if they want to and if they love each other. I only think it would be bad if they all came over to my house to get married because then there would be so many people here.

John McCain: He's only a tiny bit better than President Poopyhead. But just a tiny bit better so I think he's still very bad.

Sarah Palin: I do not like the sound of her voice. And she likes to kill polar bears.

Democrats vs. Republicans: Democrats are better because they like to sit down and talk and figure out how to be nice but Republicans just send people off to war.

The Darth Maul lightsaber: It's better than the Darth Vadar lightsaber because it is skinner and longer.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Swan Song

I wrote this.

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

I am going to stop being polite and start getting real (read: start posting blog entries again for the five people that give a shit).

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Art Imitates Life

I'd like to think I am still too young to be a cougar. But I did write this and I would totally do it with Hunter Parish so you tell me.

See more Hunter Parrish videos at Funny or Die

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Matthew McConaughey Is My Muse

Someone recently told me to stop writing things involving McConaughey. But clearly I CAN NOT DO THAT.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Thursday, January 31, 2008

EVERYONE is over Britney.

In my 22 years on this planet (wink, wink, am I right ladies?), I have heard my mom drop the f bomb less than ten times. Three of those times happened today whilst we were on the phone talking about crazy people in Hollyweird (read: basically everyone). I was talking about a famous actress I met yesterday who shall remain nameless but who was a total nutter butter:

My Mom: Well,she sounds crazy. Like Britney Spears.
Me: Oh...Britney's in the hospital again. Did you hear?
My Mom: I could give a fat fuck about Britney Spears.
Me: Did you just say fat fuck?
My Mom: Yes. I said I could give a fat fuck about Britney Spears.
Me: Wow.
My Mom: I mean it. I turned on the news today at noon while I was making my lunch and the top story was Britney Spears. I live in Iowa, I want to know if there is going to be a blizzard or what's going on with the war, not about fucking Britney Spears.
Me: You keep saying fuck!
My Mom: I know I do! I'm serious about this.(Beat.) Do you still have a cold?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Sexual Harrassment in the Workplace

I have been a busy bee gearing up for this. I am going on the whole tour and will even be in the show as Ninja Number 3. I am basically pissed that I am not Ninja Number 2 but whatever. The whole thing will no doubt be insane as evidenced by our rehearsal last weekend when this was suggested: "What if one of the ninjas in the opening fight scene gives birth to a baby onstage?" (PS. Ninja Number 2 gets to do that, of fucking course.)

Anywho, being busy has not stopped me from sexually harassing Bryan at work. Bryan once noted that if he wrote down even half of the things that I said to him during the workday he could, "Sue, make a mint and retire." Case in point today:

Bryan: I wish it were Two Taco Tuesday.
Me: It is Tuesday. Which means it is Two Taco Tuesday.
Bryan: Where?
Me (point at my vagina): Chomp, chomp.
Bryan (exasperated): Really?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

A Conversation Between Two Queens

Me: Are there hobbits in the Lord Of The Rings movies?
Bryan: I don't know.
Me: It's bad that I never saw those movies.
Bryan: Please. I saw the first one and had no idea what was going on the entire time. Three hours and at the end I looked at my brother and said, "I can not tell you one thing that just happened but it looked pretty." Honestly? I am still confused about what Boba Fett's deal is.
Me: That's Star Wars.
Bryan: No. I know. I just mean I am way behind on all that kind of stuff.
Me: I think the whole situation with Boba Fett was that he was a bad guy and then when they did the new movies which went back in time...
Bryan: ...and sucked...
Me: ...right, you find out that Boba Fett's dad was a good guy and Boba saw him get killed when he was a little kid so he decided to be a bad guy?
Bryan: Who knows.
Amy: Yeah, that could be way off. For the longest time I thought that Boba Fett was Jaba The Hut.
Bryan: I think I need to go back and revisit those movies and figure out the whole thing.
Me: Well, Darth Vadar...
Bryan: a bad guy. And Luke Skywalker's father!
Me: Yeah! I feel like if we know that, we're basically fine.
Bryan: Totally. You're right.